This summer, I had a miscarriage. I didn't even know that I was pregnant. It didn't cross my mind to tell many people or say anything because it seemed like an embarrassing topic. When I mentioned it, people looked uncomfortable, shrugged their shoulders down, and asked how I was doing. I said, "Fine," because that's the response they wanted to hear and what I really wanted it to be.
I was not fine. I was mourning and in serious denial about the whole thing. The hormones after quickly switched my denial to serious anger. "Why this baby?" "Will I ever get pregnant again?" "Was it because I was up most of the nights with Lil and carrying her too much?" "What did I do wrong?"
Not too long after, we were pregnant again with our next baby. It was such a joy and a blessing, but my mourning turned into being obsessive over the pregnancy. Small tasks became impossible hurdles because I was terrified of losing the baby. I still sleep whenever I get the chance, in fear of losing another baby.
Kevin has been so understanding, praying for me whenever he sees that I need it, taking over household tasks so that I can rest, and taking care of Lil at every chance possible (even early morning so that I can sleep). My hormones after the miscarriage made me so angry towards him for no reason at all. Perhaps as a type of protection instinct, but those hormones have subsided quite a bit, thankfully. I've had to pray through them and ask God for strength, wisdom, and guidance throughout the whole process. Anger and pain is not from God and the Lord grants us peace as long as we ask for it. It has been a blessing to be studying the books of 1&2 Peter in my weekly Bible study that talks all about suffering and how God restores us and makes us new people through it all!
A close friend asked if I was angry at God. I was never angry at God because I know God is there for me to bring my heart the restoration that it needs. The Lord has our best in mind and gave this world over to sin so that we could truly understand love. The wages of sin is death and God does not kill us off, death is a part of life and God gives us the gift of fresh new life in response to death. The baby could have had some serious health issues while here and is celebrating with Jesus now instead of having to deal with this cruel world. I see God's guidance and love more through this process than I ever thought I would.
My mom, having been through 4 miscarriages, told us to name the baby to help with the mourning process. We chose the name Brin Vinton. I can't wait to meet this beautiful child in heaven. I'm sure this baby would have had a little bit of Kev and me just like Lil does. This little one - that only spent a short time with me - will always have a special place in my heart and was given to me for that short period of time for a reason. We are going to be sure to tell Lil and her brother about Brin when they grow up, so the memory is not forgotten.
Healing is a process and I feel each day more and more whole because of God's great faithfulness and the love and all of the prayers from those around us. We adopted our dog not too long after the miscarriage. I cried when I met her. She was tortured and emaciated, bloody and bruised, she looked like my heart felt deep-down at the time. It was cathartic to bring her into a loving home and give her a safe place to live for the rest of her days. It gave me hope that I would also find peace too despite the throws and punches that life brings. She has a sweet spirit and has also been such a large part of my healing process. When I became pregnant again, we knew because she put her paw on my belly and began to pet it lovingly. Her name is Bambi Joy and has brought us so much joy since joining our family.
God is doing a work in my heart. I'm becoming stronger every single day and I'm so thankful because I know that Brin is one of the reasons that I am becoming the type of mother and person that I've always wanted to be. I look forward to meeting you one day Brin, to hug you and thank you myself!
