Thoughts on Miscarriage and Brin Vinton

It has been such a blessing to be pregnant again. But, my heart still aches for our sweet baby that we lost this summer. This is a tough subject, but I really need to write about it because it is weighing so heavily on my heart. 

This summer, I had a miscarriage. I didn't even know that I was pregnant. It didn't cross my mind to tell many people or say anything because it seemed like an embarrassing topic. When I mentioned it, people looked uncomfortable, shrugged their shoulders down, and asked how I was doing. I said, "Fine," because that's the response they wanted to hear and what I really wanted it to be. 

I was not fine. I was mourning and in serious denial about the whole thing. The hormones after quickly switched my denial to serious anger. "Why this baby?" "Will I ever get pregnant again?" "Was it because I was up most of the nights with Lil and carrying her too much?" "What did I do wrong?"

Not too long after, we were pregnant again with our next baby. It was such a joy and a blessing, but my mourning turned into being obsessive over the pregnancy. Small tasks became impossible hurdles because I was terrified of losing the baby. I still sleep whenever I get the chance, in fear of losing another baby. 

Kevin has been so understanding, praying for me whenever he sees that I need it, taking over household tasks so that I can rest, and taking care of Lil at every chance possible (even early morning so that I can sleep). My hormones after the miscarriage made me so angry towards him for no reason at all. Perhaps as a type of protection instinct, but those hormones have subsided quite a bit, thankfully. I've had to pray through them and ask God for strength, wisdom, and guidance throughout the whole process. Anger and pain is not from God and the Lord grants us peace as long as we ask for it. It has been a blessing to be studying the books of 1&2 Peter in my weekly Bible study that talks all about suffering and how God restores us and makes us new people through it all! 

A close friend asked if I was angry at God. I was never angry at God because I know God is there for me to bring my heart the restoration that it needs. The Lord has our best in mind and gave this world over to sin so that we could truly understand love. The wages of sin is death and God does not kill us off, death is a part of life and God gives us the gift of fresh new life in response to death. The baby could have had some serious health issues while here and is celebrating with Jesus now instead of having to deal with this cruel world. I see God's guidance and love more through this process than I ever thought I would.

My mom, having been through 4 miscarriages, told us to name the baby to help with the mourning process. We chose the name Brin Vinton. I can't wait to meet this beautiful child in heaven. I'm sure this baby would have had a little bit of Kev and me just like Lil does. This little one - that only spent a short time with me - will always have a special place in my heart and was given to me for that short period of time for a reason. We are going to be sure to tell Lil and her brother about Brin when they grow up, so the memory is not forgotten.

Healing is a process and I feel each day more and more whole because of God's great faithfulness and the love and all of the prayers from those around us. We adopted our dog not too long after the miscarriage. I cried when I met her. She was tortured and emaciated, bloody and bruised, she looked like my heart felt deep-down at the time. It was cathartic to bring her into a loving home and give her a safe place to live for the rest of her days. It gave me hope that I would also find peace too despite the throws and punches that life brings. She has a sweet spirit and has also been such a large part of my healing process. When I became pregnant again, we knew because she put her paw on my belly and began to pet it lovingly. Her name is Bambi Joy and has brought us so much joy since joining our family. 

God is doing a work in my heart. I'm becoming stronger every single day and I'm so thankful because I know that Brin is one of the reasons that I am becoming the type of mother and person that I've always wanted to be. I look forward to meeting you one day Brin, to hug you and thank you myself! 

Cheering for Mom

Ever since Lillian was born, I've talked to her as if she were a friend in the room and understood everything that I was saying. I also cheered for myself every time I did something remotely interesting to keep me going on some of the harder days as a mom. 

The other day, I woke up and Lillian stood by my bed and cheered that I was awake, "Yay!" 

I changed her diaper and she cheered that I did that, "Yay!"

When I made breakfast she said, "Wow, wow, wow!"

And so on and so on.

Let's just say, we've raised her right.

Also, it's nice to get some thanks here and there.

I don't care what you do or where you are, but cheer someone on today. And, not just your favorite sport team.

It may be exactly what they need to get them through the day. To encourage them to be the best that they can be.

We all need a little cheering on at one point or another and it's contagious! 

Holy House Cleaning

Every once and a while, it's important for us to take a minute to evaluate our lives and do some holy house keeping.

Am I truly loving people around me? Am I serving those in need? Am I letting my emotions get the best of me instead of pursuing a life of progressive integrity? 

Here are some things that I'm doing to work out some of the emotional gunk that is holding me back from being the person that I would like to be:

Stop, pray, and speak positive truths. Life does not go as planned. That is a truth. We all experience suffering and hurt in one way or another, but it's how we respond and choose to deal with these things that leads us to either freedom or spiritual bondage.

We need to stop and pray for God to give us the power to forgive those that hurt us. Not forgiving them is keeping us in a cycle of hatred that is not hurting them, but hurting ourselves. 

We need to step up our attitude of gratitude because while things around us change, God does not change. He wants the best for us. He wants to give us all of the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control to get through what life throws at us. 

But, we have to ask for it each day. 

And the Bible says that God will give these things to us if we just ask for it. To truly become people that live our lives in love.

Plan. If you can predict times that are particularly stressful for you, sit and create a language for those times so that anger and anxiety does not overwhelm you. 

If people keep telling you how you should be doing something that you are not currently doing or talking negatively about your life and you are bothered by it. Create a sentence to say to calm you down and stop the conversation. "Thank you for your advice, I will strongly consider it and appreciate your concern."

If you get overwhelmed by the amount of work that you have to do say, "One thing at a time, I can do this with God's help!"

Reverse the negative. To every negative statement there is a positive statement.

"I'm a horrible cook" to "I am a Ramen expert."

"I can't do anything right" to "We all have different talents and I am thankful for the ones that I have been given."

God wants to clean out our hearts on a regular basis. The Bible talks in Malachi about how God's love is a refining fire. Throughout our life, we go through cycles of purging out the bad stuff and putting in the good.

Who's with me on this journey? 

Cleaning, Tigers & Bears, Oh My!

Chores. That's what they are - a chore. I have gone back and forth about my opinion about having a clean house versus spending the extra time with my daughter. 

There is guilt involved either way. You either feel like you are missing out on the extra time with your child or missing out on a utensil clean enough to eat your food with. 

There has been such a tug on my heart to spend time with my daughter and let the chores go to the wayside. But, I'm starting to change my opinion regarding how I prioritize taking care of the home.

It hit me one day that it is really important for my girl to have an example of her parents sacrificing to make sure that our home (living and work space) is organized and clean. She needs to see us taking responsibility of our things because it will hopefully teach her to take responsibility of her own things when the time comes.

I would clearly rather play with her, and she knows that, so I usually make cleaning a game for her. So that she can help in some way. It typically distracts her for five minutes and then she makes a mess in another part of the house.

I've found that, just like anything, a healthy balance is needed in this area. I can not prioritize cleaning over everything else in my life. But at the same time, I need to know that scrubbing the floor and putting away laundry is a good example, and helpful to my husband and myself to have a fresh space to live in. 

As a part of the balance, I have chosen to wait to clean up her toys (with her) until the end of the day. Otherwise, I would be picking up things constantly. My husband has taken over dish duty, so that I can do laundry, cook, and focus on the rest of the house. 

Even just 30 minutes a day makes all the difference in keeping our house cozy and comfortable for us to live in. Do you find that it's hard to make cleaning a priority when life gets busy? 

Now let's see if we can keep this up when baby 2 comes 😂 (clearly a joke). I'll have to write another blog post on the topic when the time comes!