Rowan Taylor's Birth Story

It was the eve of my 35th week of being pregnant. Kevin had returned from a business trip and Lillian and I went to pick him up from the airport. Contractions started strong and heavy, 7-8 minutes apart.

"This is not how it's supposed to happen! The baby isn't ready. Nothing is ready. How could Lillian be late and this baby be so early?"

My sister-in-law and the midwives recommended a tall glass of wine which was the best prescription a girl could get. The contractions slowed and stopped. False alarm. Ok, we can do this.

Our Rowan Taylor's birth story happened over a period of time with small stories like these. They call this "Prodromal Labor". Prodromal Labor means having regular cervical contractions without the result of labor. Most days (starting at the 35 week mark) I had a form of this false labor. Making all of us think about whether he would come early and definitely whipped us into shape to get ready for the baby.

On my due date (40 weeks), Kevin's dad and his wife Carolyn took Lillian to Stepping Stones Museum so that we could have some quality time together before the baby. It was wonderful. I made some jambalaya and we spent time outside with the dog soaking in the 60 degree Connecticut weather, cuddling together and talking all about life and God on our outdoor couch set. Kevin was expecting a package in the afternoon, so we went to the driveway and BAM, I went into nesting mode. We cleaned and reorganized the garage and then cleaned and reorganized the barn. I was moving heavy things in a craze to get things done and even took out the labeler and labeled nearly every drawer in the house. Carolyn said that when they returned I had a determined look on my face. And shortly after, the "real" contractions started.

My friend April and her boyfriend stopped by that night to give Lil her birthday present and she asked me how I was doing. I told her about the contractions, but they were few and far in between and it was probably false labor. When they left, I told Kev we should get some pizza because I didn't feel up for cooking. Bad idea. The contractions grew closer and stronger and I realized this was the real deal while at the restaurant! 

"Check, please!"

I texted my parents and they came to stay the night to be with Lil if we had to run to the hospital. This baby was coming and coming soon, I could feel it!

Little did I know what the coming week would hold. 😂

That night the contractions made it to 2-3 minutes apart and we went to the hospital. I was not dilated enough and had to come home. At home, there were times where I would be laboring in the other room while Lil played with my parents. Sometimes she would come see what I was doing and she would nurse or copy what Kevin was doing to help ease the process. She would rub my back and look me in the eyes and say, "Relax, Mom." It was precious. She has such a compassionate heart and always wants to be a help. It was nice to have my parents to distract her when I needed space. The contractions were strong and ranged from periods of 2-4 minutes apart and 10 minutes apart for a total of 60 hours over the coming 3 days!!

Yes, 60 hours. The labor was physically and emotionally draining. There were moments of yelling out in pure frustration that things were not progressing and in the last 24 hours things changed for the better. I was able to breathe through the contractions and the pain felt good in a way because it was bringing me closer to meeting our baby. I hit a place of complete acceptance and peace. 

We went to the hospital and Kevin and I had some beautiful (in a possibly masochistic way) quality time together. How often can you get 60 hours together as a couple once you have kids? Not very! The midwives and nurses said that our peaceful labor reminded them of stories of natural birth couples in the 70s, which was high praise. We were in the zone as a couple and ready for whenever this baby was ready to come. We laughed and talked about all the fun things we would do with Rowan and Lil when he finally came into the world. Kevin encouraged me to relax and move with the contractions, kissing me sweetly in between, reminding me of how proud he was of me and how amazing and strong my body was to be doing what it was doing. He massaged my lower back, and my stomach, and my arms for hours and hours with Lush massage bars (thank you to Tara for giving me those before labor picked up). There was such a presence of calm in the room. 

Spiritual. Peaceful. Beautiful.

When I was 9cm dilated and about 20 minutes away pretty much from the baby being born naturally and the way we truly wanted, the doctor came in the room. The baby was high in the cervix and there was a serious risk for shoulder dystocia (when the shoulder gets stuck coming out, which is what happened with Lillian and thankfully it worked out okay for her but is an emergency situation). This could mean losing the use of an arm and even potentially mental retardation. 

Rowan wasn't responding to the contractions, his heart rate was staying the same (a first look into his calm personality despite the insane circumstances around him) and we needed to seriously consider a c-section. Kevin and I looked at each other and just laughed. 

We went through 60 HOURS of this craziness to result in a major surgical procedure which would mean months of recovery for me and the surgery itself has its potential risks. What to do? We locked ourself in the bathroom, prayed, opened the door and agreed to the c-section knowing it was the right thing to do.

Once the decision was made, they called the anesthesiologist and he took about 10 minutes to get to our room. It felt like a decade. I had long and strong contractions every minute until he came and that was the hardest part of the entire 60 hours! Knowing my body was doing what it was supposed to do, but also knowing that our sweet baby was at risk too. It was depressing to have pain like that, knowing the pain would not be used to bring the baby into the world. Finally, I was given pain killers and prepped for surgery. All was right with the world.

The room was crowded with the surgical team playing Selena (hilarious), setting up this big tent, and sticking me with all sorts of things. The doctor told me that she does cross stich as a hobby and to not worry which actually did calm my heart about the whole thing. My midwives stayed for the procedure and announced the birth as if I was having it the way I dreamed of, "We see the head... look at that head of hair! We see the body... long torso... it's definitely a boy! And he is here!" The surgical team and midwives cheered and celebrated with us commenting on how tall he was and how healthy and beautiful he looked. Selena's song, "I could fall in love with you... baby" was playing (hahahaha). It was truly special. Just as special as my natural birth with Lillian and we felt so blessed to finally meet our son. They placed him on my chest and Kev and I were in euphoria. He was perfect. Not a bruise or scratch. Just perfect. 

Perspective. Life is all about perspective and I grew so much as a human being from this entire labor process. From the prodromal labor to working towards natural labor for 60 hours and watching it slip out of my control. I could see it as life being cruel to me, but I'm choosing to not let thoughts like that creep in. 

The c-section has meant a longer recovery time. I danced out of the labor room with Lillian and went home soon after. With the c-section, I'm pretty much confined to bed rest and in the hospital for an entire week relying on everyone to help me with everything. Kevin's mom, his sister, his dad and Carolyn, and my mom and dad, and our neighbors and dear friends Andy and Tara, and many of my mom friends have been so helpful. My mom has co-slept with Lillian numerous nights, getting up with her through the night when she missed me, feeding her, bathing her, taking her on adventures to different places. My dad made tons of meals for us for when we get home and has taken Lil on long drives so that she can get her nap in and walked the dog for us and fed the cat and cleaned the dishes and the house, so that it would be clean when I returned. Kev's mom has come to clean the house and watch Lil so that Kev could have some quality time with the baby at the hospital and has even watched the baby at the hospital so that we could have quality time with Lil. Our friends Andy and Tara had Lil at their house on numerous occasions; and, Tara even rocked Lil to sleep one day when Lil was overwhelmed and missing me. My awesome mom friends Breska and Alissa came to the house on different occasions and played with their girls and Lil in the backyard while I was recovering in the hospital so that Kev could rest (from the 60 hour labor that he was so involved in) and also get work done on his business. Cassi and Andrea, amazing mom friends, set up a meal train so that I would not have to worry about meals in the coming weeks when I wouldn't be able to move much at home. Such a blessing to have so much support during such a challenging time!

There was a measles outbreak near where we live, so it has been hospital policy that Lil (and anyone under the age of 12) can't come anywhere near the baby or the recovery room. So I've had to nurse Lil in the hospital lobby and try to explain to her what is happening and only have been able to spend a couple hours with her each day.  During one of our meetings in the lobby, I gave her a special gift of my bitty baby (and all of the clothes and books and toys that comes along) that I played with when I was a little girl. She loved the gift right away and named the baby "Jo Jo" (one of her friend's nicknames). She asked to change Jo Jo's diaper and put on an outfit that looked like the one she was wearing and then used the toy baby Bjorn that I had when I was a kid to walk around the lobby with the baby and was pretending to give the baby a snack. She was so proud! I showed her pictures of the c-section when Rowan was born and she was fascinated and asked to bring Rowan to our house and play. Such a sweet time with this intelligent, little, brave, girl. These meetings have helped me ease her into the idea of having the baby come home with us soon. 

On another bright side, this time of recovery has been a terrific bonding time Rowan! I've had all the time in the world to cuddle and nurse and sing and just be with him before going home. If I had done labor the way I wanted, I would have wanted to come home right away and would not have had any rest before starting life with 2 children. I know Rowan's sleeping patterns, different cries, diaper schedule, and the way he likes to be held and know that this will help ease us into finding our new normal when we finally go home. God knew that. I can see the small ways he is blessing our family, even in recovery. 

Family, friends and lots of people from the church have stopped by the hospital to see the baby. We have received hundreds of texts and notes and gifts and flowers and offers to help with Lil and the house and feel so loved by our little village. 

Welcome to the world Rowan Taylor! We love you and can't wait to bring you home and live life with you ❤️  

Thoughts on Miscarriage and Brin Vinton

It has been such a blessing to be pregnant again. But, my heart still aches for our sweet baby that we lost this summer. This is a tough subject, but I really need to write about it because it is weighing so heavily on my heart. 

This summer, I had a miscarriage. I didn't even know that I was pregnant. It didn't cross my mind to tell many people or say anything because it seemed like an embarrassing topic. When I mentioned it, people looked uncomfortable, shrugged their shoulders down, and asked how I was doing. I said, "Fine," because that's the response they wanted to hear and what I really wanted it to be. 

I was not fine. I was mourning and in serious denial about the whole thing. The hormones after quickly switched my denial to serious anger. "Why this baby?" "Will I ever get pregnant again?" "Was it because I was up most of the nights with Lil and carrying her too much?" "What did I do wrong?"

Not too long after, we were pregnant again with our next baby. It was such a joy and a blessing, but my mourning turned into being obsessive over the pregnancy. Small tasks became impossible hurdles because I was terrified of losing the baby. I still sleep whenever I get the chance, in fear of losing another baby. 

Kevin has been so understanding, praying for me whenever he sees that I need it, taking over household tasks so that I can rest, and taking care of Lil at every chance possible (even early morning so that I can sleep). My hormones after the miscarriage made me so angry towards him for no reason at all. Perhaps as a type of protection instinct, but those hormones have subsided quite a bit, thankfully. I've had to pray through them and ask God for strength, wisdom, and guidance throughout the whole process. Anger and pain is not from God and the Lord grants us peace as long as we ask for it. It has been a blessing to be studying the books of 1&2 Peter in my weekly Bible study that talks all about suffering and how God restores us and makes us new people through it all! 

A close friend asked if I was angry at God. I was never angry at God because I know God is there for me to bring my heart the restoration that it needs. The Lord has our best in mind and gave this world over to sin so that we could truly understand love. The wages of sin is death and God does not kill us off, death is a part of life and God gives us the gift of fresh new life in response to death. The baby could have had some serious health issues while here and is celebrating with Jesus now instead of having to deal with this cruel world. I see God's guidance and love more through this process than I ever thought I would.

My mom, having been through 4 miscarriages, told us to name the baby to help with the mourning process. We chose the name Brin Vinton. I can't wait to meet this beautiful child in heaven. I'm sure this baby would have had a little bit of Kev and me just like Lil does. This little one - that only spent a short time with me - will always have a special place in my heart and was given to me for that short period of time for a reason. We are going to be sure to tell Lil and her brother about Brin when they grow up, so the memory is not forgotten.

Healing is a process and I feel each day more and more whole because of God's great faithfulness and the love and all of the prayers from those around us. We adopted our dog not too long after the miscarriage. I cried when I met her. She was tortured and emaciated, bloody and bruised, she looked like my heart felt deep-down at the time. It was cathartic to bring her into a loving home and give her a safe place to live for the rest of her days. It gave me hope that I would also find peace too despite the throws and punches that life brings. She has a sweet spirit and has also been such a large part of my healing process. When I became pregnant again, we knew because she put her paw on my belly and began to pet it lovingly. Her name is Bambi Joy and has brought us so much joy since joining our family. 

God is doing a work in my heart. I'm becoming stronger every single day and I'm so thankful because I know that Brin is one of the reasons that I am becoming the type of mother and person that I've always wanted to be. I look forward to meeting you one day Brin, to hug you and thank you myself! 

Cheering for Mom

Ever since Lillian was born, I've talked to her as if she were a friend in the room and understood everything that I was saying. I also cheered for myself every time I did something remotely interesting to keep me going on some of the harder days as a mom. 

The other day, I woke up and Lillian stood by my bed and cheered that I was awake, "Yay!" 

I changed her diaper and she cheered that I did that, "Yay!"

When I made breakfast she said, "Wow, wow, wow!"

And so on and so on.

Let's just say, we've raised her right.

Also, it's nice to get some thanks here and there.

I don't care what you do or where you are, but cheer someone on today. And, not just your favorite sport team.

It may be exactly what they need to get them through the day. To encourage them to be the best that they can be.

We all need a little cheering on at one point or another and it's contagious! 

Holy House Cleaning

Every once and a while, it's important for us to take a minute to evaluate our lives and do some holy house keeping.

Am I truly loving people around me? Am I serving those in need? Am I letting my emotions get the best of me instead of pursuing a life of progressive integrity? 

Here are some things that I'm doing to work out some of the emotional gunk that is holding me back from being the person that I would like to be:

Stop, pray, and speak positive truths. Life does not go as planned. That is a truth. We all experience suffering and hurt in one way or another, but it's how we respond and choose to deal with these things that leads us to either freedom or spiritual bondage.

We need to stop and pray for God to give us the power to forgive those that hurt us. Not forgiving them is keeping us in a cycle of hatred that is not hurting them, but hurting ourselves. 

We need to step up our attitude of gratitude because while things around us change, God does not change. He wants the best for us. He wants to give us all of the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control to get through what life throws at us. 

But, we have to ask for it each day. 

And the Bible says that God will give these things to us if we just ask for it. To truly become people that live our lives in love.

Plan. If you can predict times that are particularly stressful for you, sit and create a language for those times so that anger and anxiety does not overwhelm you. 

If people keep telling you how you should be doing something that you are not currently doing or talking negatively about your life and you are bothered by it. Create a sentence to say to calm you down and stop the conversation. "Thank you for your advice, I will strongly consider it and appreciate your concern."

If you get overwhelmed by the amount of work that you have to do say, "One thing at a time, I can do this with God's help!"

Reverse the negative. To every negative statement there is a positive statement.

"I'm a horrible cook" to "I am a Ramen expert."

"I can't do anything right" to "We all have different talents and I am thankful for the ones that I have been given."

God wants to clean out our hearts on a regular basis. The Bible talks in Malachi about how God's love is a refining fire. Throughout our life, we go through cycles of purging out the bad stuff and putting in the good.

Who's with me on this journey? 

Cleaning, Tigers & Bears, Oh My!

Chores. That's what they are - a chore. I have gone back and forth about my opinion about having a clean house versus spending the extra time with my daughter. 

There is guilt involved either way. You either feel like you are missing out on the extra time with your child or missing out on a utensil clean enough to eat your food with. 

There has been such a tug on my heart to spend time with my daughter and let the chores go to the wayside. But, I'm starting to change my opinion regarding how I prioritize taking care of the home.

It hit me one day that it is really important for my girl to have an example of her parents sacrificing to make sure that our home (living and work space) is organized and clean. She needs to see us taking responsibility of our things because it will hopefully teach her to take responsibility of her own things when the time comes.

I would clearly rather play with her, and she knows that, so I usually make cleaning a game for her. So that she can help in some way. It typically distracts her for five minutes and then she makes a mess in another part of the house.

I've found that, just like anything, a healthy balance is needed in this area. I can not prioritize cleaning over everything else in my life. But at the same time, I need to know that scrubbing the floor and putting away laundry is a good example, and helpful to my husband and myself to have a fresh space to live in. 

As a part of the balance, I have chosen to wait to clean up her toys (with her) until the end of the day. Otherwise, I would be picking up things constantly. My husband has taken over dish duty, so that I can do laundry, cook, and focus on the rest of the house. 

Even just 30 minutes a day makes all the difference in keeping our house cozy and comfortable for us to live in. Do you find that it's hard to make cleaning a priority when life gets busy? 

Now let's see if we can keep this up when baby 2 comes 😂 (clearly a joke). I'll have to write another blog post on the topic when the time comes!

Enjoy them now, time flies! Yuck.

It's been a while since I last posted! Things are definitely busier as a new Mom. You know, the whole trying to keep a human alive 24-7 thing? Yeah, that!

Something that people keep telling me, since an hour after our sweet Lillian was born has been, "Enjoy it while you can! This stage goes by so fast. She'll be grown up before you know it." Now it is not the sentiment that bothers me, it is the implication and the consistent tone that people use when saying this on a regular basis (literally every day). A judgmental, negative, tone. Like they might as well be saying, "Kids grow up to be annoying human beings and I never appreciated the time I had with my kids as babies, so you probably won't either." 

To me, being a parent only gets better with time. I'm not sure how it was for other moms, but in my experience and in the experience of my other friends, you are filled with a deep connection, but not necessarily filled with a rush of unconditional love the second your kid is born. It kind of feels like someone hands you someone else's kid and says, "Good luck!" Just like any other relationship, this one takes time to nurture and grow and everyday and every minute you love the child more and more. Just like, everyday you love your spouse more, because your relationship grows if you really want it to. But it takes hard work! 

People will always look back on life and wish that they appreciated it in some ways more than others, but that is in every case, not just in the case of parenting. I will be nastalgic when she goes from stage to stage, but I don't need someone making me feel self-conscious about how I may or may not spend my time.

Every day, being a Mom gets better and better. Seeing her grow does not bring me sadness, it brings me great joy. When I pack away her small clothes, I feel a sense of pride in her development. Singing, laughing, cooing, rolling over, sitting up, talking, walking, having a conversation, these are all things that I'm so excited about. 

I can not wait to continue to rediscover the world through her eyes and rediscover God through her progression as an independent thinking being. 

So people, I think we should collectively choose to give encouragement to new moms whenever we can. Replace this common phrase with, "Enjoy this amazing stage that your child is in, but let me tell you, it just gets better and better." 

Instead of saying, "Your child is getting so big," with a frown or a tear, say it with a smile. 

Take out the negativity associated with time moving forward, and replace it with hope because that is what will inspire a new parent in the middle of the night when we are up for the 3rd time. That we have so many hard, but also so many great things ahead!

Cute!